On picking your battles

Is it okay to have an argument with one of your boyfriend's friends, who you don't know, on the bf's Facebook page?

Usually I would say no. But today I did. And it's because some things need to be called out for what they are, no matter where this takes place. While we all have grand virtues, we can't shove our opinions down the throats of others ALL of the time. For instance, my friend's grandmother is convinced that the Stolen Generation is a myth. It took the whole family a long time (and a lot of futile arguing) to just accept that this is what she thinks. While they purposefully avoid the subject, when she does mention the issue, they've learned not to bother with the argument, but to quickly change the topic. It what's frequently referred to as: 'agreeing to disagree'.

Today my boyfriend posted a photo of a car in so narrow a park that to fit in it, there was just a breath of air between the car and the concrete pillar next to it. The car had a 'P' plate on it. My boyfriend had wittily captioned the picture: 'And who said "P" platers are bad drivers?'. A bunch of people commented on the photo, with the general sort of banter one would expect. And then came this gem from a former colleague of my partner:

'There's absolutely no way out of that park driving forward or backing out without it scraping down the side. I'll go out on a limb here and put my money on it being female ;) Sorry to all the females out there but it's true!'

'The same way it's true that all men are sexist pigs?', I replied.

There were so many things that infuriated me about his comment that I didn't know where to start. While I wanted to write a detailed rant about how useless the meaningless apology was, I figured that it was a Facebook photo, not an academic blog. I also suspected that someone who writes comments such as that above was more likely to label me as the insane feminist who can't take a joke rather than be remotely reflective on his outright discrimination.

You see, the 'Sorry to all the females out there but it's true!' was more annoying than the moronic generalisation it followed. What is it that you are sorry for? You see, I don't think that you're sorry for offending people with your discrimination. Nor do I think you are sorry that you wrote this down. In fact, the only thing I think you are sorry about is that it's actually not politically correct to discriminate against women.

And that exclamation mark at the end of your apology, what's that about? Are you trying to pretend that if you add this overused piece of punctuation you'll make people laugh? Because I didn't laugh. I thought you were patronising. I thought that it's people like you who perpetuate gender discrimination. At a basic level, perpetuating this myth about women drivers is why men frequently abuse and bully women on the roads - because it's the women that can't drive, don't we all know that?

And at a more complex level, this is part of the gender discrimination that sees women disadvantaged on almost every measure. And which contributes to the gender inequity which means that women aged between 15-44 are more likely to die at the hands of a man than of any other cause. What's the link between your harmless comment and domestic violence? Let me spell it out:

1. Attitudes such as yours encourage the idea that women are inferior drivers
2. This leads to bullying and intimidation on the roads
3. Women feel unsafe as they are likely to be alone, and smaller in stature, than those who are bullying them
4. This means that women feel less safe than men do
5. It also means that there's a somewhat accepted culture of it being okay, for men to bully women
6. This manifests into other parts of our lives, where the bullying and intimidation can, and often does, lead to violence against women

So when you're at dinner with your partner's stubborn grandmother, you may do well to bite your tongue, but at other times, we have to speak up. You have to call something out for what it is. Because sometimes, our silence is enabling discrimination and abuse.


Update, 10:30pm
I didn't even realise that today marks the 22nd anniversary of the École Polytechnique massacre where 14 women were killed by a man who declared he was 'fighting feminism' and who himself had been the victim of abuse at the hands of a man. May we not forget what we've lost and sacrificed in a fight for a more equitable world. This post is for those 14 women.