Why are women still changing their names?

Okay so I am in a hospital while my mother has neurosurgery. I’ve been here, alone, for seven and a half hours. I am very tired and emotional. Why am I telling you this? Because I need to preface what I am about to say with something that will make you compassionate towards me and hopefully make you forgive me for what I am about to admit to.

Five hours in, I was broken. I couldn’t summon the concentration to read my book – sick people everywhere, exhausted, terminally-ill mother in significant discomfort next to me – so I … entered a debate on a thread on a Facebook page.

Yes, I know. I know it’s stupid. It’s just like when people read the comments section at the end of online newspapers and get outraged. Why on earth would one read the comments?!  (Perhaps because they are in a hospital desperate for entertainment away from the misery?)

So let’s accept that this is what I have done and now allow me to vent about the experience here.

Women’s Health Australia asked, would you take your husband’s surname when you got married? If so, why? If not, why not?

Oh dear. There are so many stupid naive people in the world. Here are some of the highlights:

‘I am proud of my man’ was a very common sentiment. The inference here is that you demonstrate pride via change of name. The ironic logic of this is that he is not proud of you because he has not taken your surname. So the conclusion of this claim for name-change? You are proud of a man who is not proud of you.

Here is another gem:  ‘Yep! He is my man and I love him enough to become a part of his family and have a family of Smiths*’.  So if I take the surname of the person sitting opposite me in this shitty hospital cafeteria am I a part of his family? And if I married my partner and did not take his name, am I not part of his family? Further, he hasn’t taken my surname, so is he not a part of my family? Is it that he doesn’t love me enough to do that for me? (This section has so many questions because the logic of the reasoning left me thinking, 'WTF?')

Another very common comment was that ‘I am changing my name because I am old fashioned’. What exactly does ‘old fashioned’ mean? Because I think it’s the scapegoat for women not owning up to what changing their name is really about. You see, people tend to be very selective about what they are old fashioned about. This was best highlighted with this comment:  

‘I’m not married yet (but) I’m old fashioned in that you marry him, you have his name, and I’d like to have the (same) surname as our son’

That’s right, her son. She is old fashioned so she’ll take his name; but not so old fashioned as to have a child out of wedlock.

But by far, the quote of the day: ‘If you aren’t going to change your name, what’s the point of getting married?’. Now obviously there are endless lines of rebuttal here, but remember, you’re dealing with a simple mind, so instead of offering debate, I find it’s best to ask a counter question. One that came into my mind, ‘if you only want to change your name, what’s the point of getting married?’.

Now, to the heart of the issue.

The vast majority of commenters were in the ‘a real wife changes her name’ category.  The most frequently cited reason for changing one’s name was that ‘I want to have the same surname as my kids’. The selfless martyrs, doing it for the children. Now, I wanted to write a comment pointing out that changing your name is like being branded – you were previously owned by your father and now you belong to your husband. Well, for now you do. Because, let’s be realistic, 50% of you will end up divorced and facing the dilemma of what to do about the surname that you were oh so proud of. There were a couple of older and wiser women who commented about this. Most, even those who were still married, regretted changing their names and expressed the sentiment that they wished they had of been married in a time where it was optional. 

Let me go back to the children. Women are changing their name as they have got to have the same surname as their kids. Well, instead of me asking whether marriage was a partnership or a patriarchy, I suggested that women give their kids their own surname at birth and you’ve got it sorted – kids have the same name as you and you don’t have to change your name! Now, I was being rhetorical. I knew that the kids were an excuse.  One commenter retorted , ‘then you’d have the same issue with the man wanting the same name as his kids’. The infinite problem solver that I am, I suggested that the husband could take the wife’s  surname should this be the case – problem solved!

But no, this was never about the kids. The kids are an excuse.  Women know it’s embarrassing to admit that they are marrying a man who expects them to change their name and wouldn’t take theirs. Women know it’s not an equal partnership and are embarrassed to admit it so they use the, ‘I want the same name as my kids line’ which really makes no sense. Sure, in an equal world, half the population would have their dad’s surnames and half would have their mum’s. But, it’s not an equal world. So let’s wonder about a proportional world: many marriages will end. When they end, more often than not, the kids will spend most of their time with Mum. So, looking at these odds, I argue that there should be more kids taking mum’s surname given that Dad is more likely to become an absent figure whose name won’t be carrying much pride.

People think I am totally radical and man-hating when I tell them I am vehemently opposed to the idea of changing one’s surname. I don’t hate men, but I certainly don’t think that they are more special than women or that I should be proud of them and them not of me. I don’t think that I should do anything to demonstrate to any future daughter of mine that she is less of a person because she is female.  I don’t want to be seen to make up embarrassing excuses for what I contribute to perpetuating gender inequities. I won’t shift blame of my actions onto my children. Your children have the name you give them; you have the surname you choose to take. Fuck, why don’t you and your husband invent a surname and start from scratch?

So why do women change their names? Why don’t men? It’s not about the kids, it’s about power. It’s one of the last forms of patriarchal oppression that is still the accepted norm in modern society. And women are buying into it in droves. And they know it’s hard to reconcile professional careers, education, high-paying jobs, home-ownership  and other things with the old school gender inequity that is implicit in taking a man’s name. I give her my name. I have branded her. She is mine. My property. She is now somebody’s Mrs. FUCK THAT!

So quit saying that you’re changing your names for the children or because it shows that you’re proud of your man and start saying out aloud that you have changed your name because you want to contribute to a culture where women are less than men and where heteronormativity reigns supreme. 

*name changed